Grief, Trauma, and Ms. Corona

Hey there sunnies! (Do you like the name? I thought it was pretty cute.)

You all chose the topic for my posts this week we will be discussing trauma and grief, which I feel is so fitting during these times. We hear people talk about trauma and sometimes it can be difficult to determine what makes an experience traumatic. The way that I explain trauma to my clients or people not in the field is, “A traumatic experience is an event or experience that you made feel really uncomfortable, unsafe, or powerless that you have trouble forgetting”. Now keep in mind, I work with kids, small kids, and have to make really big concepts digestible to small minds. But honestly, trauma is such a huge umbrella and I feel like I could just not do it justice by trying to condense everything in this post.

I have a few years of experience working with people that have experienced trauma, such as working at domestic violence shelter, rape crisis center, and interning as a victim advocate for families affected by homicide and community violence. With all of my experience and education, this is a population that I really enjoy working with and feel that my work makes the most impact.

As I mentioned before, trauma is an umbrella term and there are so many categories of trauma that fall under it. Such as generational trauma, natural disasters, community violence, traumatic grief, and many more. Trauma can also be categorized as chronic (repeated or prolonged exposure to trauma), acute (Single instance of trauma), or complex (exposure to varied and multiple instances of trauma).

Trauma is such a personal experience and the same trauma can affect people in different ways. Mostly due to our ability to be resilient and persevere. The human ability to be resilient and grow is my “why” for starting this blog. I love watching others to be able to exercise their resilience and reflect on their growth and transformation.

A quote that I love to give my clients, “ You have survived 100% of the worst days of your life by showing up in whatever way you can. That is something to be proud of”.

Recently, in the field, we have seen an increase in mass trauma from mass shootings, terrorism, and now a global health pandemic. With all of these events, we have also seen an increase in grief due to these events.

In my time as a victim advocate intern, I learned that talking about others’ grief and death are topics that people do not like to talk about and often avoid. Some of us want to have the answer to make the person feel better or they are unsure of what to say, or they are grieving themselves. Everyone has their own grief journey and it changes from person to person.

However, if someone that you know maybe grieving here is some words of encouragement or validation that you can offer them:

1. "I may not understand what you are going through right now, but I want you to know that I am here with you."

2. "What do you need from me or what can I do for you"? (If they are not sure or do not know, check in with them a couple of days later and ask again).

3. Just listen!!! This is the biggest one that so many people forget. If they feel like talking about their loved one, listen. If they want to talk about how angry they are, listen. If they are just sitting there silent, listen. Silence is not the absence of speech, but the amplification of that persons' raw emotion.

4. Make time to check in with them and be prepared to be turned down. Those who are grieving often feel like their lives have stopped when that person has passed away. However, the truth is that the world will keep spinning. As a friend or family member be sure to check in with them frequently or go to their home to check on them. Be prepared to be turned down but keep asking.

Also, know that grief does not always have to be about losing a person, it could be grieving a job/career, fertility, missed opportunities, any sort of major change. Later this week, I will have a visual that I have used with my adult clients that have found it useful when going through change.

I would expect that many of us are grieving something or someone due to the outbreak of COVID-19. Missed vacations, missed family outings, missed weddings, so many occasions, and opportunities that have to be rescheduled, canceled, or attended remotely.

This post was a little longer than usual, but this topic is so vast that there could honestly be a part two. As the country is starting to open back up and keep running, please be kind to yourself. While some of us have lost missed opportunities or vacations. Some of us are also grieving financial security, stable housing, school, or loved ones. We are in this together.

If you, a friend, or family would benefit from being connected to a mental health provider for therapy please be sure to check out your insurance carrier, teletherapy (Better Help), or visit NAMI.org for information about mental health.